Dealing

A friend's mother has just been diagnosed out of nowhere with lung and brain cancer. Since it's just come upon he and his family I thought I'd share some things that I've learned with my family over the past couple of years as we've dealt with my father's declining health and his bouts in the hospital, as well as with our recent experiences with Home Hospice Care.

I haven't yet brought myself to write about what's happening with my father right now...I'm too much in the thick of the day to day with he and my mother...changing wet pants and sheets; him not eating anymore; him coming to and saying - "Still here? I want this to be over." Feeling exhausted from our everyday dealings with my father going through the dying process. We've all said our good byes, and he's still here...waiting for his number to come up. But, there are still smiles and hand squeezes and the continually amazing process that it is.

I will share more specifics here later after things settle...but, since this just came up with a friend, I thought I'd share some of the specifics that I feel can help us all get through this as well as we can.

Dear  friend,

Thought I'd share some of this with you as you're

going down this road...most of it you'll know/figure out...some, may be

helpful to you at some point ...

YOUR MOTHER -

* Be there for her...

* Love her...touch her...kiss her...let her know you're there for her...even if she's "out of it"

* Listen to what/how she does/doesn't want things done...

* Make sure she gets bathed and freshened up every now and then...

* Help her feel as comfortable and relaxed as you can

* If she likes music, put some on...TV... quiet... whatever makes her feel best

* Use some humor if it feels right... laughing and crying are both good releases

DOCTORS -

* Talk with them regularly...off to the side so your mother doesn't hear

* But speak with your mother openly with the doctors when decisions are being made ("They're going to take you to get some blood tests now...")

* Ask them what they mean by their medical terms

* Ask them short-term/long term procedures and/or repercussions (from meds, surgeries, etc.)

* Don't necessarily rely on someone else to tell you what's going on with your mother, but don't have everyone from your family needing to talk with the nurses/doctors individually...suggest that one of you be the point person with the doctors/nurses

* Ask the doctors of any possible alternatives...other choices...what's down the road

FAMILY -

* Try to make sure everyone's on the same page w/ info you're getting and decisions that are being made

* Keep communicating, so everyone knows that they're a part of the whole process

* Don't "take over"...or let anyone else take over...be a team...and let everyone know that everyone's in-put is important

* When one of your siblings freaks out about the littlest thing, be cool about it...try to hear what they're really saying

YOURSELF -

* Take care of yourself...

* Keep hydrated...and rested...

* Take some time for yourself...walk on the beach...go to a bar...whatever works for you...

* Breathe deep every now and then...

* Take naps when you can...

* Drink when you can...

* Don't look at yourself in the mirror and notice the bags under your eyes!

* Check your email or phone a friend/loved one every now and then

* Vent when you need to (but not around your mother)

* Remember that you're there for your mother and be as selfless as you can...it's not about you...it's about her...

I'm sure there's lots more that you and your family will learn...I'm still learning every day here...

You and your mother are in my thoughts.

Love,

Janet

Comments

[fitz]

Damn good thoughts. It seems like we are ll heading into these times. ThaNks for the wisdom and the perspective1

[Garrett]

I think I might take some of that advise and use it with my mother while she is still healthy. Thanks Janet.

[Rich]

I'll keep all these in mind since I have two elderly parents and you never know how much longer their health holds up.
Also I'll defiantly take a nap to think about it.
Thanks again for the good advice . Keep on blogin'

[hatrack]

wealth and possessions can enhance a happy healthy life, but in times like you and your friend face, there is no comfort but love, kindness, and the human touch....all the best

[Gina]

Gosh! Janet this is a sad but beautiful piece and filled with lots of wisdom. I just feel so bad while 2 special people that have recently come into my life, I'm not there to support, be a shoulder to lean on or to help in any way. I want you to know I miss you and you are always in my prayers.
Please take care
Gina XOXOXO